Junior, aka The Minus

I had fun with The Minus when I ran into him at a wedding a couple of years ago. He got banished from cab driving for failing to pay his cab rent many years ago, but aside from being grayer, he looked like the same old Minus. So, I walked up to him, threw my arms around him like a long lost friend, and exclaimed "Minus!!"

He looked at me puzzled, and said, "Yeah, I know, I've got one tattooed on my forehead. Who the hell are you anyway?"

I smiled and said, "You haven't changed much, it's good to see you." Then I went on my way. He spent the rest of the afternoon asking people who I was, and of course nobody remembered what my name was when he knew me and I do look a little different, it just made no sense what so ever to him.

I will always remember him as he was one night with Pin Head, they were both trashed and he was kind of singing, "A Minus and a Pin."

His official nickname at the cab company was Junior. He's Fast Eddies little brother, so Fast Eddie got called Senior, and Minus got called Junior, over the radio.

The absolute, classic, Minus antic dote happened one Sunday morning at The Union House. A bunch of drivers went for a few after work beverages, and he was sifting through his cash and saying, "This one's for me, this ones for THM, this one's for me....." And finally said, "The hell with THM.", and bought the house a round of drinks. According to Fast Eddie, he hadn't even made check in that day.

My classic Minus memory was a call at the bus. I was in the back lot, he was next to the window, we were both standing next to the dispatcher in the office when the call came in. The back lot smoked the window by 50 yards, so I knew I was up, he was closer to his cab, but running through the shop doesn't take much time. Dispatcher asked me where I was, Ingersol and Wash, asked Junior and he said his cab was broke down. What he'd done was floor it backing out of the lot, and thrown it into drive with it floored, which is a really good way to spread pieces of transmission all over the pavement under the car, which is precisely what happened.

But he is definitely part of the family. How could a guy who talked of spanking dead presidents (laying a bill down on the bar), and cold cracklers (bottles of beer for after work), not be loved by all, even if he couldn't drive a cab?

My favorite Christmas

My cousin, upon hearing this story asked, what did I get. I got the memory.

I used to have this personal some people called The Eel Man. Weird guy, he'd come to town and pay me to let him ride around in the cab while I ran other rides. For some reason, he always wanted to tip the dispatchers too. Usually it was 1/2 gallon of vodka for Big T, and a case of bergie bocks for Curley. The other posts that refer to him, are the first 2 rides I ever did for him, and he was never less than weird, be it good or bad. I think he was a con artist, but I never asked.

He was The Eel Man because when we'd dine in the sushi place, he'd throw down $60-$70 bucks worth of eel. For those of you who never had sushi, eel is cooked, tastes just like walleye, and is usually one of the most expensive items on the menu. I was kind of partial to the spicy tuna which is raw, and the steak in a sushi place is really good. Of course when we ate out, it was his treat.

I had a weird SO back then who had a son who didn't like me. The first time he brought Glow over with him I thought, wow, she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I was told they really loved each other and she was real good for him, which is true, they're still together, and their son is in high school.

The second time they visited they disclosed that Glow was pregnant, and she told me she was going to go down and get on ADFC in a few days. "Ah, wait a second. Are you sure you want to do that? If you get on ADFC, your kid isn't your kid anymore, but rather a ward of the court, and if you wanted to visit a friend in Chicago, legally, you'd need to get someone to give you permission in writing to leave the state." What I really didn't want to see happen was for ADFC to screw up the fathers life, which it would have, and the out come of that be that instead of a happy family of three living in a little house in the woods and racing go carts on the weekend, the kid would have no father today. Glow was kind of taken aback, and asked where she was supposed to get the funds to have a baby. "Gee, Glow, you're Ms. Natural anyway right? Why don't you have a midwife do it, and have the baby in your own apartment?" She'd never considered that but she liked the idea, did I know where she could find one. Turns out a couple of drivers used them, Hammer's wife to be, and a really fine lady named Nora. I got Nora's phone number for her, and that's the way little Joe came into the world.

Since I had an opportunity to have a real family Christmas, I told Glow that I'd buy a tree, and decorations, if she'd be willing to have it at her place. I told her she got to keep the decorations, which were mostly quantity 1 fancy ornaments, which came from a trendy little shop on Monroe st. I like Christmas trees a lot. The tree came from a cut your own place in Middleton, a perfect Frazier Fir. Phil's gift was to be a CD player, boom box, what 18 year old can go with out his tunes? Glow's gift was a really nice pair of hiking boots, which she said were the best Christmas gift she'd ever gotten, they were waterproof, light and well insulated.

When we had Christmas at Phil and Glow's it was perfect. The tree was perfect, the gifts were perfect, it was simply the best ever Christmas of my life. The greatest gift I gave that Christmas was to the unborn baby, I gave him a really happy family to grow up in, just blind luck.

So how does the Eel Man come into this story? He came to town one night in December, and after we'd dined at the sushi place, he told me to come shopping with him. He was paying me by the hour, so what the hell. We went into a music store, and he said that if I wanted anything to put it in the basket. I got kind of embarrassed at around $125.00, and said we had enough CD's. The CD's were mostly chosen by one of the kids who worked in the store. I told him they were to be the first CD's for Phil's new CD boom box, Phil agreed with his taste, said they were great.

An ok weekend

Considering how bad it's been lately, this weekend wasn't half bad.

Nobody told me they were going to kill me, or something graphic like grinding all the skin off my face on the sidewalk. Nobody tried to beat me out of a fare. The money was ok, relatively speaking. A hotel employee from a far west side hotel told me they had 30% occupancy on Friday night. 30%??????? On a football weekend???????? Yeah, I will count my blessings, I did much better than they did.

I told a passenger 2 of the knife stories, she was entranced. I told another group three of them, they wanted to get a ride back to the hotel at bar time to hear the rest of them. All in all, except for the snafu at St. Mary's, it was a really laid back, enjoyable shift last night. I had fun. It's supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be pain, or terror, I didn't have to show anybody the Hyde who lives in side me.

My return to being a full time driver is set for mid January. I can't wait!!!!!!!! I will drive on Thursday, I need to spend this holiday with my family. Never before in my life have I known how much I love them all, even the ones I can't stand. Everyone should spend the holiday with loved ones.

The happiest cab

In the photo, the cab I'm sitting in is a Dodge Diplomat. It was the only new cab I was ever given. I drove the first ever shift in that cab. It was 171 if memory serves. It was the happiest cab in the fleet, and there has never been a happier cab since. How so?

I was working State st. at around 10:00 pm the night of that first shift. A couple asked me for a ride to Monona, I said sure. They got in. On the ride they were doing a bit of necking, a loving couple, all couples should love each other. I was getting off the beltline at South Towne, and the lady asked me if I minded if they had sex in the back seat.

"Lady, as long as you're willing to pay the fare, I don't care what you do."

She said to drive them somewhere, anywhere, and she'd tell me when they were done. I got back on the beltline westbound, and we started driving toward the west side and Middleton if it took that long. It would be a good fare. The guy was sitting in the middle of the seat. She took her panties off and hiked up her dress a little and let herself down on him. She told me they were finished when I got to about Parmenter, so I turned around again and headed back to Monona.

When we got to their house, they paid me and tipped generously. She kind of danced from the cab to the door of the house. The guy was sitting there with what could be described as a shit eating grin, he was a tad slow to get up and follow. It was the right way to christen the only new cab of my life, don't you think?

The 5th stage of tequila

Why can I drive on State st.? This cab is the 5th stage of tequila and it's invisible.

Ways to entertain a passenger

I think we all have standard jokes we tell, I certainly do. Over the years, I've discovered that passengers usually like to be entertained, good stories are always good. I've also found that stories like Fish, Boomtown, and Mario, I can't tell. The anger never leaves some stories, so if there's question in my mind, I ask for a critique from a few passengers, and if they tell me I still sound like I'm mad about it, I can't tell that story.

I have a dirtiest joke. It's too X rated for here, inspite of the fact that there is only 1 four letter word in it, and that word is only shit. The girl who told it to me as a dorm resident from Ogg hall, she told me it was the dirtiest, and she was right.

I have a most told joke. Why do they make 3 different size packages of condoms? The 3 packs are for HS students, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, 1 for Sunday. The 6 packs are for college students, 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday.... The 12 packs are for married people, 1 for January, 1 for.....

When I was recovering from the event described in the post titled Wild Ride, I had to tell the story over and over. The guy I talk to once a month, who tells me I'm not a lunatic, says that's a highly recommended therapy for a really traumatic event. I'd always claimed that no one had ever robbed me, never even tried before. Then as I told the story over and over, I came to recall that not only had someone attempted to rob me at knifepoint before, it as the third time. Further reflection caused me to recall 2 more confrontations where a knife was pulled, and all of a sudden I had 5 knife stories. I got good at telling the 5 knife stories, and people tip really well after hearing them. I have had a few people accuse me of being brave, nope, I'm a coward, I tell them courage isn't part of the equation. Courage is something I've never had. At the end of my last ride of the weekend, 2 fares had listened to the first 4 knife stories, and tips were close to $15.00 for the stories. A little secret: If I can see the knife, I say to myself, "If the guy was going to cut me, I'd already be cut, he wouldn't be showing me his knife."

Something I'd never noticed in all these years is, college kids like wise cracks. Seems kind of obvious doesn't it? Perhaps, I've simply always assumed that everyone has heard all the standard wise cracks. When the fourth girl from 1 group got in, I said, "We're off like a herd of turtles." God, they loved that and asked if I had more. I couldn't think of any off the top of my head, but given the right prompting, it's amazing what you think of to say. I had these 4 people get in at a million dollar house in The Bluff, rich people. The fat cat in the front seat constantly messed with me, all the way downtown. When I turned onto Hamilton, and the capital came in view, he seriously confided to me, "Oh, by the way, your company is paying for this ride." I'd had about enough of him all ready, and normally I wouldn't say something like this to a passenger, but I told him he was as full of bull shit as a Christmas goose. He loved it. The girls from Friday night would have loved it too. It just made it into my act.

The kid from Ann Arbor, and the psycho

Near the start of Fridays shift, I had a couple of Michigan students in the cab. I was telling them the verbose version of the retarded dwarf story when we rolled into East Towne and loaded a black woman who works for the mall. I continuted the story a little, and of course the black woman hadn't heard the prelude, I was describing the stench, and she got real animated in her commentary, things like I ought to toss someone out who even farts in the cab. It was hysterical, the 3 of us laughed and laughed until she got to where she was going and got out.

I decided that I was going to try and make as many people laugh as I could. Most of the passengers anyhow. Fast Eddie once cautioned me about making people laugh too much, he once got somebody laughing so hard she crapped her pants. Just before they got out, the guy said, perhaps he should write a book out of my material here. I kind of wondered about that, and I'd thought of it before that. I asked him what his major was, English he said.

Around 10 pm., I had a well dressed young woman going to the Memorial Union, she said she was going to a dance for senior med and law students. Really? I asked if she was going to chase ambulences or staff them. Chase. Really? Tell me, how would it work if someone else wrote a book out of my material? She said it's my intelectual property. Cool beans!

Unfortunately, every squirrill in the midwest was running around down town over the weekend too. What do squirrills do? The mild stuff is, a couple of guys will come up to a cab while you're loading 4 girls, and try to sit on the girls laps who are in the window seats. Or some grinning jack ass will come up to the cab while I'm loading people on State street and order order me to get out of the cab, so he can get in and drive it, then he hangs his chin on the window and won't move.

The prize jack ass of Saturday night was the guy who was calling me a nazi because I wouldn't let the whole party of 8 pile into the cab. The second time I heard nazi, I pulled over and told them to get out, we'd only gone about a block. The woman in the front seat tried to talk me out of it. One thing I've learned by hard experience over the years is, once you tell someone to get out, they get out. NO second chances. When she finally got out, the guy with the mouth came over and tried to shatter the window by slamming the door as hard as was physically possible. I started to get out of the cab, and he went even further psycho describing in great detail how he was going to break me into little pieces. There are times when it's seriously tempting to carry a cattle prod. Imagine having that guy sitting behind you for 10 minutes. Shortly after that, a passenger told me that all the cops and ambulence in the middle of that block were for someone who had been randomly attacked as he exited a bar. Some psycho total stranger had wound up and hit the guy in the face and run off. I wonder if it was the same guy.