I can't go home smelling like this.

The first time I ever met Duh, I was a wide eyed innocent rookie. It was at the foot of the hair pin by Helen White, and he flagged me down. He had a book bag, and gave me this bogus story about cab drivers giving other cab drivers free rides, just to be nice. The ride he wanted was about 3 blocks up Bascom Hill, and he did remember to say thank you.

The truth is, not only do cab drivers pay full fare, we're expected to tip generously.

The last time I saw Duh, I was asked to leave Mel and Tony's. The bartender was absolutely sure he was going to break a pool cue over my head. I told the bartender there was no way Duh could hit me with that pool cue. He assured me I could get hit with the pool cue. I tried to tell him, he just didn't understand, the pool cue was in Duh's hands. No way would I get hit with it. Ask any driver who knows both of us, they'd agree, Duh couldn't possibly hit R.C. with a pool cue. He asked me to leave anyhow, so I walked home.

Why was Duh threatening me with the pool cue? I'd been teasing him, and rubbing it pretty hard. The incident that I loved to rib him over happened one night in the drivers room after a weekend 3 pm - 3 am shift. There were probably 6 of us finishing our envelopes, so we could drop them and go home. Duh was really really worried. He said, "God, I can't go home smelling like this." What did he smell like? He got some strange in his back seat. It's an odd tip, but not unheard of. It was simply too good an opportunity to pass up, I had to tease him.

"You know, Duh, that Columbian wife of yours is going to smell that on you, sure as shit. You're apt to wake up tomorrow morning, your wife and kids gone, and your balls will be in that Bull Durham bag on the pillow next to you."

I'm sure what he was fishing for was for one of us, his friends, to offer him a shower and clean clothes to wear home. I wasn't even about to suggest to him that he go out to the truck stop and pay $5.00 for a shower. For the rest of his tenure as a Friday/Saturday night driver, I teased him about going home smelling like some woman other than his wife. After all, can you ever tease a guy enough, who'd gyp a rookie cab driver?